Recognition

It’s been a while. It’s been a while since a lot of things have happened to me, not just since I’ve sincerely wanted to sit down and write on PF for you all. I’m leaving things behind, and this might refer to people and objects but mostly it refers to me-things. There was the girl from before, and soon there will be the woman I am meant to be. Right now, I’m in this foggy place where sometimes I can see through the wisps, but mostly I don’t know what the future will look like.

So, these are a few details you’ll need to know. I’m divorced, and I’m living in a new, temporary home (still in Queens but no longer in Sunnyside). Betty, my right adductor brevis, has been cranky and agitated since I ran in the snow in January 1st, so I have been running at most three days a week and instead my training has consisted of Pilates class, the elliptical at the gym, and my old PT exercises. Clamshells, and leg lifts, and squats–oh my! (At Pilates, I am the person in the class who makes everyone else feel good about themselves. I consider it my community service for the week.) Oh and also, work has been brutal since the turn of the year.

I ran this morning. I hadn’t scheduled it, just put it out there as a potential activity for the day. Mostly, I thought it was important I get enough rest and if that meant I didn’t have time for a run, so be it. However, I woke naturally at 8 AM, and after scrolling through the options of everything I could do this morning, I most wanted to run. That was a welcome realization. So I dressed up in pink (to feel pretty), tied up my pigtails (they are getting long), wrote up a turn sheet (I get lost), and loaded up a new playlist on to my iPod. I was smiling before I even started running. It was time to get physical, to be outside, to feel my heart pound.

Here in Astoria, I have no idea where to run. I’m not attached to this neighborhood, so I’m not enthusiastic about exploring. Nevertheless, I ended up liking the route I picked, across on 31st Avenue and up 21st Street to Astoria Park. The approach to the Triboro and Hellgate Bridges was different, and I appreciated that new perspective. Somewhere along 31st Avenue, something inside me cracked open and I could feel myself running with pure joy. It was a revelation: I loved the movement, I loved my company, I loved dodging traffic and waving at dogs on leashes. I loved skirting the park, oogling the bridges as they slyly arched away from me. For the first time in what could be months, I recognized myself. Here it was: this favorite part of me was safe and happy, just waiting to be invited out to play. I have been so busy dragging myself forward through this transition, examining myself, shining a light on the shadowed parts and feeding the starving ones, that I’d forgotten I know how to run.

I gave a little leap forward.

Oh! I suppose that’s metaphorical but I actually did give a little leap, right there on 31st Avenue. It was a bit like flying. I giggled, too.

5.11 miles run in 46:44. Average pace 9:09, fastest mile 8:57, slowest mile 9:21.