On this, National Running Day, I have this to say: I am taking up swimming.
I use my training log solely as a place to track my weight.
My Garmin 405 has sat uncharged on my desk for months. Tonight I’ll finally hide its blank-faced shame in my dresser.
Running shoes are now my fashion faux pas. As in: worn with a skirt, all day long, at the office.
For half a year I’ve told myself I would heal up quickly. I refused to be resentful, complaining, impatient. I cheerfully went to PT; I swung on the elliptical and read manuscripts. I thought, time not spent running can be dedicated to other projects. I tried to see my forced benching as an opportunity to look elsewhere, not as a view from the sidelines.
In reality, I slept in, worked longer hours, and drank more red wine.
I can no loner push aside the pangs of longing I feel when friends tell me about races and training. When men and women ran by me during my two weeks in Italy, it was like a punch in the nose: it stung, and brought tears to my eyes. I was a foreigner, and the single most connecting thing I could have done in Italy was denied me. It was my only remorse while there.
I am done with eating salads and teetotaling and still being 10 pounds too big for most of my clothes.
God fucking dammit I want to fucking run. I want to run far, at a clip, without any pain. I want my heart to pound. I want to feel the wind in my face. I want to get up in the dark and run through dawn. I want to feel my lungs get bigger from use. I want my eyes to sting with sweat and sunblock. I want my pigtails to become whips from tangles and perspiration.
I certainly don’t want to be listed as “non-running captain” of my relay team–yet I am. I certainly don’t want to consider never running again–yet I am. I certainly don’t want to never again feel the buzzy, numb, wrung-out elation of the final mile of a distance race run at maximum–yet it’s been so long, I wonder if I didn’t imagine it.
On today, National Running Day, I tell you this: anyone who says they run to stay in shape is a fucking liar. Either that, or they’re not a runner.
End. Of. Story.
Pigtails Flying 
Brilliant and timely post. Thank you for sharing!
Wow, I havent checked out your blog in a while so I’m suprised to see you’ve been injured for a while now. The truth is, I havent checked out anyone’s running blog, nor have I updated my own since I’ve been going through the same thing for over a year.
It’s my way of dealing. I pretty much avoid everything related to running when I cannot do it. Its only now that I’m starting to run the way I want to again that I’m looking around.
This post really resonated with me and I know what you’re going through. The jealousy and anger of seeing others running for example. I wish I could offer advice other than have faith it will pass with time. I admit its hard, especially when its already been lots of time. I’ve had lots of false starts returning to running thinking it’s behind me only to realize I’m not yet ready and need to keep healing. As a result, I’ve also wondered if I would ever run again. But, just keep doing whatever you can in the meantime. Have faith, and hang in there.
I hope it passes soon.
Herb, I too avoid a lot of things running. Reading Running Times is like reading science fiction. But, by avoiding running, I feel its lack even more. It’s a paradox; I struggle with the balance.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, it was comforting.
Wow. You truly captured the anguish of a long injury. Spot on, TK.
You WILL be back. It took me 6 months to get over a bulging disc in my back and even walking seemed to aggravate it. Hang in there, girl.
Thank you, K. I’m hanging–there’s nothing else to be done! PT (with a new pt, with a new strategy) starts a week from today. I don’t have the energy–or the hope–for it, but I have an obligation to take care of myself, so off I go.
TK, what Herb said rings true for me: have faith that in time the injury will pass and you’ll be running again.
It was a bit sad that you couldn’t run in Italy — I loved running in the US and fondly recall that run with you over your bridge.
Hope the new PT can work some magic. When you start running again, hold back to 100s of metres a day on the flat and ever so slowly build up from there.