The Reckoning

A lot of hard lessons and heartbreak this year; take a shot of whiskey folks because the final analysis is pretty grim: I accomplished NONE of the running goals I set for myself for the year.

1. Qualify for the 2010 Boston Marathon by running either the Flora London or ING New York City Marathon in under 3:45 — NOPE! This became an impossibility in late March when I injured my adductor brevis.
2. Log 1,500 miles. — NOPE! I logged 1009.98, which, considering that I didn’t run for nearly 10 weeks in the first half of the year due to a muscle strain, is pretty darn good. It means an average of just under 20 miles per week, nothing shabby.
3. Maintain my weight after I run London. — WHO KNOWS? I never ran London! I did gain some weight during my injury, but I lost it, then gained it again, lost it again…
4. Set a new PR for the marathon, ideally breaking 3:45. — NOPE! See Goal #1.
5. Set a new 10k PR, ideally breaking 50 minutes. — NOPE! My injury left me completely flat-out. It dialed my fitness practically down to zero; sure I went through the rehab exercises and got my heartrate up a bit on the elliptical machine, but by the time I was able to really train again, it was July and I simply wasn’t going to get my speed back in time for these PR goals (Goals #5 through #9). If I hadn’t had to back off because of my muscle strain, do I think I could have set these PRs? HELLS YEAH!
6. Set a new 5k PR, ideally breaking 24 minutes. — NOPE!
7. Improve upon my mile time of 6:36 at the Continental Fifth Avenue Mile (if I have no scheduling conflicts). — NOPE!
8. Run faster legs during the Green Mountain Relay. — NOPE!
9. Improve upon my watch time of 56:16 at the Mother’s Day Title 9k. — NOPE!

A few months ago, I went back and stole a peek at these goals and thought, what hubris! What a striving fool I was, so cocksure from my 2008 streak of PRs. And surely, there is some of that in there, but there’s also the germinating seed of a runner daring to imagine herself a faster, daring to push herself harder than she would have dreamed even 12 months earlier.

So what can I say I actually did accomplish this year? Let’s imagine I erased these goals halfway through the year, wiped the slate clean. What did I learn? Let’s all agree that becoming a great runner isn’t just about getting faster, but also about getting wiser. Because if I look at 2009 in those terms, it’s safe to say that along with the setbacks, I’ve also made great strides.

I CAN SURVIVE IT. What a fucking year. My company, and my imprint specifically, were decimated during February layoffs. My Nana, who I love dearly, first fractured her pelvis and then had to undergo radiation for the reappearance of cancer. I was injured for months and had to cancel many racing plans and drastically recalibrate performance expectations. Add in healthy doses of general heartbreak, disappointment and struggle and all I know on today, the last day of the year, is that I’m still standing, stronger in every way.

PEOPLE LIKE ME. Even though I wasn’t going to return to the GMR a zippier version of myself, I knew I could still contribute by being the team captain. I set up a couple of meet-ups for NYC-area runners who blog, and met people I suspected I’d like and in fact, I like them very much. Even though I couldn’t tweet my workouts, I joined a community of runners on Twitter and found like-minded athletes who cheered me through recovery and through my first race back (Baltimore Half-Marathon). Now, we run together and I applaud their successes on the road as well. Year in and year out, running has brought people into my life who I trust, admire, and enjoy.

RIDE IT OUT. I am the woman who carefully lays her plans, who takes comfort in completing every step to get to her goal, and who does not adapt well at all when plans must be changed. I am the woman who has learned that plans are all well and good but that more often than not, they’ll have to be revised and/or scrapped entirely at many stages along the way to the ultimate goal. Believe it or not, this was the most bitter pill I swallowed all year. I hate being wrong, and boy oh boy did fate, chaos and circumstance prove me wrong this year. As one of my dearest friends likes to say, there are no moral victories. Perhaps that is true, but I have recently savored small victories and sweet triumphs that would have been overlooked by the TK of yesteryear.

I LOVE THIS SHIT. It’s like a lover lost and then returned: it’s sweeter the second time around. I appreciate and take greater pleasure in running now than I did before my injury. Having to live without it made me realize how desperately I need it in my life, to be the best TK I can possibly be.

IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT ME. I raised nearly $10,000 for TeamFox in honor of my dear friend Dan who has Parkinsons Disease. I lived with my Nana for a week when she was still crippled and my Mom desperately needed a break. I cheered on others, including my brother, as they trained and raced. I raised my glass to my best friend as she published her first book to high critical praise.

THE BEST IS YET TO COME. Ending the year with two PRs–one of which was a win!–and a string of solid workouts, I am feeling confident once again. I am grateful I can run five days a week again, grateful my body accepted my ministrations and permits me to carry on with this passion for forward motion. And, I think, I think I think that perhaps I am in fact, just simply a better runner than I was this time last year, in all that that entails.

Running, I love you. Running, you sustain me. Running, without you I am less of a woman, less of a human. I’ll do whatever I have to so that you never leave me again!